During the beginning stages of these stay at home orders, I had a heated argument with my partner, over what… I can’t remember, which we’ll talk about later. Towards the end when I was eyeing my stage left for an exit strategy, it dawned upon my future planning self that there was nowhere to go. Now, I’m not the one to hit up a bar to lament with other drunks about how “he never listens to me.” But, I do like to sit on the beach and let my mind roam. After watching the water dance around my feet for about 15 minutes, reminding myself how lucky I am to be so close to the beach, and that giant fish eyeballing me, I reel myself back in and think about the situation. If it’s really that serious in the big picture, or if I overreacted because of some previous thinking that was getting in the way, or if I was just mean, who knows… Either way, it gave me time to process the whole thing and make a decision on how I felt. This way I knew my reaction was my own, and not a product of my emotions or fear. Then I could go back and contribute my part to a resolution. The beach was just one getaway, sometimes it was just going to the store, or calling a neighbor to hide out for a little. In all cases there were options is my point. I could escape reality for a few minutes to let my mind relax. This was not the case during my latest quarrel.
So back to the story, after realizing my predicament, I dropped my hands and said stop, white flag, pause, and told him I can’t. You stay here, I’m going downstairs and let's reconvene in an hour. You think about what I said and I’ll think about what you said, deal? It was either this or expose myself, not only to Covid, but to all the masks, and gloves (which don’t work), and signs and blah, blah, blah. Constant reminders of something I not only have no control over, but that has also affected every aspect of my life. My lost job, my children’s studies and social life activities (which also brought me peace), being able to see my family, my own social activities, and so much more, were/are all changed by this. So now, I’m not only upset bc of my spat, but also literally everything else! So yea, going out was not an option.
I’ve studied human behavior, devoured my share of readings, and have been alone enough to know myself, and that’s half the battle of any “discussion” (coughing). This advantage allows me perspective, but I wonder how many relationships are struggling because of their inability to manually separate and simmer. With no social world to referee, what happens now? Turns out domestic violence has increased close to 20% since lockdown.
So… although I hope your relationship is amazing and fulfilling, I encourage you to ask yourself a couple questions during your next time out. First, what are we really arguing about? As you can see from my example, it’s usually not even worth remembering. But, it might be. So once, you know what the two of you are arguing about then ask, what exactly upsets me about this? Do this together or apart, depending on how heated the argument. Maybe come back to it in an hour like we did. You’d be surprised how often this simple miscommunication leads to the biggest fights once you start personally attacking each other out of anger. Once the two of you have each said what they needed to, find general ground as resolve. This might mean him washing dishes these days, or you cooking dinner the other days (you can tell where most of my time is spent during quarantine), or maybe even thinking about it for a few days so you can both come with a couple solutions, or dedicating time to find a solution together. Whatever consensus you guys come to, leave it there. That’s the most important part, focus on the solution the both of you agreed on. The weird things that other people do (like breathing heavily while watching TV, or cutting his toenails on the couch, or leaving his dishes scattered around as if some fairy is going to swoop down and drop pixie dust so they magically end up in the sink), especially from someone you share a home with, will start to jump out at you with no effort on anyone's behalf. Adding anything else to the mix (such as your recent scat) is just going to perpetuate the cycle. Give yourself a break! You have enough to deal with.
So that’s how I’m handling my quarantine huffs so far. In between, to avoid an argument altogether, I also make sure to spend time doing things by myself. Cook, garden, read, write this in the bath with a glass of wine and locked door, watch my own show, take separate showers, little things here and there I might not have needed before when I was working outside the home and the kids went to school. These little freedoms help me remember who I am, when it can be most confusing. I’ve learned more about my daughters (although frighteningly sometimes), my dog thinks he’s a lapdog (he’s as big as I am), if I rub my bunny in a certain spot her front legs do a funny thing, and so much more about everyone and everything else, Udemy is now my Homepage. I have to remember to learn a little about myself… again. You are adapting to a new situation so you have to take that time to yourself to checkin and see where you’re at. Remember, everyone else in your home is also adjusting, and may need their own space/time as well, so don’t take it personal. On the flip side, you still need to connect on a genuine level. Spending time apart is essential (it's not fair to rely on him, or her, for all your needs), but also supplies conversation when you do spend time together. Make that time special, by being creative. Watch the night sky, maybe learn some constellations, play a board-game, or paint, YouTube has so many ideas for couple home date ideas. The key to these unprecedented living circumstances is that there's balance. Your time together, and your time apart.
Are you a dating? Keep an eye open for dating during quarantine coming soon!
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